"One of our key huntin’-and-peckin’ fingers recently had a run-in with an axe—the sharp, bladed kind we use for disassembling big hunks of wood for the fireplace, dontcha know—so this assignment is probably some cruel joke the editorial staff concocted. Har har. See how those chuckleheads like it when said blood-splattered axe gets FedExed to dB HQ with very specific instructions as to what they can do with it.
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